


It Was a Joke Until it Wasn't

by sunshinebside



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bang Chan is Bad at Feelings, Bang Chan is Whipped, Bang Chan is a Mess, Best Friends, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Gender Dysphoria, Lee Felix is a Panicked Gay (Stray Kids), M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Bang Chan, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Stray Kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:20:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27893716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinebside/pseuds/sunshinebside
Summary: Chan was cursed. Doomed, even. Doomed to fall in love with every one of his friends and destroy their relationship in the process of doing so. Either obsessing too heavily over them for a period of time, or pushing them away to avoid sinking deeper. He couldn’t help it this time, though. Not when his own best friend was more devoted than any romantic interest he’d ever had. Not when his best friend was the only person who knew his deepest, darkest secrets and desires, things he hadn’t ever shared with anyone before.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 7
Kudos: 62





	It Was a Joke Until it Wasn't

**Author's Note:**

> I am projecting HEAVILY in this one, but I feel very deeply connected to it so I hope you like it :)  
> also tw/cw: i do mention suicidal ideation/suicidal thoughts as well as gender dysphoria so please don’t read this if that’s triggering for you

a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ggKhbjnCDPQLhyTTsWxJJ?si=8-k82HwsSzWjbQI4t8fCng) for this short fic :)

* * *

It all started with a joke. Sure, they had jokingly flirted before, but this was a completely different level. Things felt as though they were shifting. 

Chan was two months out of a breakup from an unhealthy and codependent relationship. Two weeks out of a failed attempt at a different relationship. And one week out of a suicide attempt. None of these out of the ordinary for the boy with a big heart and someone who felt things too strongly. Someone who was trying to fill the void, but every patch for the ever-growing void in his mind wore thin, each one faster than the other.

See, the thing is, Chan’s brain was as useful for keeping memories as a wiped SD card. According to his therapist, there were several factors in play, but it was a long list that only one other person knew the full extent of. To fill the hole left by a mind devoid of memories, the solution always seemed so painfully out of reach, short-term relationships only ever mending this feeling of emptiness for a small period of time. Sure, it was depressing if you thought about it too heavily, but at least it kept life from being bland.

The thing is, though, Chan was cursed. Doomed, even. Doomed to fall in love with every one of his friends and destroy their friendship in the process of doing so. Either obsessing too heavily over them for a period of time, or pushing them away to avoid sinking deeper. He couldn’t help it this time, though. Not when his own best friend was more devoted than any romantic interest he’d ever had. Not when his best friend was the only person who knew his deepest, darkest secrets and desires, things he hadn’t ever shared with anyone before. Not when his best friend was the first person he had ever come out to when they had barely known each other for three months, when he hadn’t even considered coming out to his longtime friends. Not when his best friend shared the same desires as him, and encouraged their inside joke of faking a dating scandal if they ever made it in the entertainment industry, something that both of them dreamed of doing. And especially not when he would shamelessly flirt with Chan, not knowing that his lighthearted and joking compliments made Chan’s heart race for some unknown reason.

Except for the fact that the reason wasn’t exactly unknown.

“You’d die without him,” his friend Changbin had said to Chan. _Yeah, he would._ Felix was the only person who knew how to talk him out of a panic attack, how to talk him out of swallowing what was left of his many medications to treat god knows what mental conditions in his medicine cabinet, how to calm him down from being overstimulated without angering Chan. He had been there before and after Chan’s top surgery, and the first person he asked to see when his mind was still clouded with anesthetics. He was the only one who wouldn’t question his sudden changing of subjects every ten seconds, or how he would develop new obsessions every month or so, not being able to stop thinking or talking about them for that period of time. He was also the only one that would listen and just let Chan talk, about anything and everything.

Friendships, healthy ones at least, were a two-way street, though, and theirs was. Felix would go to Chan with ideas about new choreography that he was in the process of developing, bouncing his creative ideas off of his equally creative best friend. He would come to Chan with his relationship issues, just as Chan did with him. Felix was one to seek out validation and affection from people he would drop shortly after realizing that they weren’t the match he had hoped for them to be.

Their friendship wasn’t always just exchanging issues, though. They had plenty of inside jokes, shared favorite music artists and collaborative playlists, plenty of things to talk about, at least one of them always having a creative endeavor in mind, or a new obsession to talk about. They knew about each other’s kinks too, apparently something that not all friends knew about each other, but it wasn’t their fault that the BDSM test was such an interesting exposé of their personalities. They always stayed up way too late together, Felix having the ability to sleep twelve hours a day with the excessive amount of naps he liked taking in class, much to the disappointment of his teachers, or before and after dance practice, and especially on weekends. Chan and his insomnia and the guilt that overtook him if he wasn’t working on _something_ , school-related or not, didn’t exactly allow for that kind of sleep.

It was late, a school night, but Chan was wide awake as ever, his brain full, just like it usually was.

**Chan**

_I think I’m doomed to fall in love with my friends for the rest of my life_

**Lixie <3**

_Oh?_ 👁👁

**Chan**

_It’s whatever_

_I’m just_ 🧍

**Lixie <3**

_Are you talking about moi?_

**Chan**

_No no_

_I’m just thinking abut how I literally cannot do the “talking stage”_

_So I’d have to befriend someone before even thinking about dating them_

He was lying through his teeth. Of course it was about Felix, who else would it even be about? Felix was the only person who knew everything about him, the only person he talked to throughout the entire day, or at least when Felix was awake.

“I’m so fucked,” Chan whispered under his breath as he read Felix’s reply of “LMAOOO” to his previous messages.

**Lixie <3**

_I felt flattered for a sec_

_But I’d be scared of breaking up if we did date_ 👁👁

_“You’re not the only one,”_ Chan huffed out a sad laugh. He turned to the laptop that was sitting on his bed with Spotify open, and started building a playlist that would only assist in him dwelling on thoughts about his best friend to listen to while he applied some light makeup to take some updated photos for his artist profiles on streaming platforms since his hair had gone through a lot of changes as of late. It seemed that the only constant in his life was change, but change couldn’t fill the void that his lack of memories left him with.

“Someone’s Someone” played softly in the background, a soundtrack for his racing thoughts, each one pertaining to a certain boy. They flirted jokingly until it started to feel like there was something more there.

Chan decided to test the waters.

**Chan**

_I can’t tell if you’re joking or not_ 😭

**Lixie <3**

_ITS BOTH_

_IM IN CAUTION MODE_

_Are we flirting rn, bro?_ 😳

**Chan**

_If u want it to be flirting, bro_ 😳

This is how it always went, except it felt different this time, at least on Chan’s end. Maybe it was just the soft sound of Troye Sivan’s voice playing in the background of his racing thoughts and his accelerated heart rate, or maybe it was the fact that he was finally going to admit to himself that he had developed a bit more than just friendly feelings for his best friend.

**Chan**

_*image attached* (John Mulaney meme, “And I said no, you know, like a liar”)_

_“Are you talking about moi?”_

**Lixie <3**

_What?_

**Chan**

_What I said_

_It was about you, you know I can’t lie for shit_

**Lixie <3**

_Ohhhh_ 👁👁

 _I know, I’m irresistible_ 😁🥜🙈😝🕊

**Chan**

_Oh my fucking god, not the god complex_

**Lixie <3**

_LMAOOO I WAS JOKING_

_It happens when I’m shy_ 👺

So they were flirting, Chan concluded. And it continued like that, Chan being unable to contain his smiles and laughs at Felix’s texts, therefore creating smile lines in the layer of sheer foundation that had been applied around his mouth. It was worth it though, for the laughs that Felix brought him.

**Lixie <3**

_Best fran flirt with me_

_Best fran hot_

_Me no think_

Well shit.

* * *

A month of torture. That’s what Chan endured, memories of that text conversation fresh in his mind whenever he thought about Felix, who, mind you, was who he thought about while he was writing songs, doing any sort of creative writing, listening to music, even when he was touching himself. Sure, it felt sinful, almost indecent, but what was he supposed to do when they saw each other every day at school and latched on to each other at any chance they got? What was he supposed to do when the most important person in his life became his muse?

Every night was spent with Chan questioning if he was even allowed to feel this way about his best friend. Felix had only ever dated “real guys,” in Chan’s mind. In other words, he had never been with a trans guy, especially not a more feminine-presenting one, and he had always expressed his “fear of coochie,” Felix’s words this time. This left Chan wondering too many things. Wondering if his wish for his best friend’s romantic attention was just wistful thinking, or if it was actually plausible that he felt the same way, and was doing an immaculate job of covering it up.

Either way, every day was hell.

Because he didn't know if these feelings were only persisting because he hadn't gotten the confessing part over with, or if his mind was still determined to fill the void. Because how was he supposed to know? He had resisted the urge to tell his other friends about this, unlike how he had always talked about past romantic interests with them, afraid that somehow, talking about it would mess things up for him or make the feelings somehow less real. It was just outright terrifying what power Felix held over him. 

* * *

Felix had fulfilled his promise from earlier in the year, to help Chan at least enjoy the holidays a little bit, something that Chan had always struggled with. It was New Year’s Eve, a holiday Chan had never shared with anyone, never really celebrated in any way, but Felix had suggested the idea of them hanging out that evening and that’s what landed the two of them conversing under the soft glow of the fairy lights on Chan’s wall, the two of them sitting cross-legged opposite each other on the black duvet that rested on top of Chan’s mattress, with one of their shared playlists playing a slow Deftones song quietly in the background.

“Hey,” Felix tapped Chan’s knee when he noticed that the other was getting lost in his thoughts, “didn’t you say you’ve never had a New Year’s kiss before?”

Chan swore he stopped breathing for a second. “Uh,” he stuttered, trying to collect his thoughts, “no, no I haven’t.”

Felix smiled sweetly at him, leaning in a bit, on the verge of popping his bubble of personal space. “That can be changed,” he giggled, taking one of Chan’s hands absentmindedly in his hand and toying with his fingers. Chan’s breath got caught in his throat, both because of the soft touches from his best friend’s hands on his own, but also because he glanced over at the time on his laptop’s black screen.

“It’s 11:58,” he raised his eyebrows at Felix, eyes wide with an unspoken question. _“Are you being for real?”_ was what was playing over and over through his mind. “I guess I have two minutes to decide,” he smirked, looking down at their interconnected hands.

“I guess you do,” Felix laughed quietly, still toying with Chan’s fingers.

“It wasn’t a hard decision to make, though,” Chan started to get more confident, in hopes that he was reading the situation correctly. Felix blushed, barely visible in the low light being emitted from the tiny lights on Chan’s wall, but noticeable enough for Chan to realize what his words were doing.

“It’s 11:59,” Felix whispered. Admittedly, he knew what he was doing, despite being shy about it. He was confident, until it came to Chan, something he had never seen coming.

“I don’t know if this is the right time,” Chan started shakily, glancing again at the time that still read 11:59, “but it’s kinda hard to not to fall in love with you.” Felix looked up at his friend, eyes going wide. Then, as if on cue, the clock changed to 12:00 AM, not going unnoticed by either of them. Chan raised his eyebrows at his best friend, a silent question to confirm that he still wanted to tear down this wall between them that had kept them from ever going this far with their already very constant physical contact.

Felix leaned forward, his lips hesitantly brushing Chan’s before then cupping his soft face in his small hands and pressing their lips together. They both sighed contentedly in unison, a confirmation that it wasn’t a one-sided ordeal. It was Chan’s second time ever kissing someone, and he was so apprehensive that he’d fuck something up, but everything seemed to melt away when he was in Felix’s grasp, the younger leading his movements.

They broke apart, hands still on each other’s faces, somewhat stunned looks overtaking both of their features.

“I thought you were only into real guys,” Chan whispered, his insecurities about his feelings for his friend rushing back, remembering how Felix had only ever mentioned cis guys that he had pursued.

“What the fuck is that even supposed to mean, Chan?" Felix furrowed his brows in confusion, something that almost looked like anger showing in his expression.

Chan hesitated, not knowing how to correctly word what he was going to say. “I mean, I thought you wouldn’t like trans guys.”

“Where the hell- why? Why do you think that? Is it because I only ever talk about wanting dick?”

“Yeah,” Chan chuckled sadly, looking down, his lap suddenly becoming increasingly interesting to him.

“Chan, if this is about what I think it’s about, you’re as real of a guy as every other guy out there,” Felix told him gently, knowing exactly what Chan was implying with his previous statements. “My end of the flirting being a joke ended a long time ago,” he then giggled, breaking the tension that had built up, clouding their consciences like heavy smoke.

“Really?” Chan looked up incredulously, the words leaving his lips in a near whisper. Felix nodded, then pulling him in for another kiss. He moved his hands down to Chan’s chest, his hands brushing lightly over the small bumps under his shirt from his best friend’s nipple piercings that he had gotten for his eighteenth birthday earlier in the year.

“I haven’t seen your scars fully healed,” Felix said when they broke apart again, his hands resting on Chan’s muscular pectorals. Without a word, Chan took off his black long sleeve shirt to reveal the long scars that sat about three inches under his nipple piercings. Felix took this as an invitation to lovingly run his fingers across the scars that he had helped Chan take care of during the months following the procedure. It wasn’t necessarily a lascivious act; it was more of a reassurance that Felix did, indeed, want Chan, despite the fact that he “wasn’t born in the right body,” as Chan always said.

“You’re not lying to me, right?” Chan asked his best friend tentatively, wondering if he was playing games with his mind, just like he had done with any one, if not all, of his previous romantic interests.

“I don’t think I could ever lie to you,” Felix sighed, his hands still ghosting over the scars, marveling at how nicely they had healed, and how ethereal Chan’s pale, but still freckled, torso looked under the soft glow of the fairy lights, and admiring how the light reflected off of the shiny, silver rings that went through his fully healed nipples. “They healed nicely,” he commented, poking Chan’s chest before retracting his hand.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Chan smiled, softly, taking Felix’s hands in his own, this time it was his turn to toy with his best friend’s fingers.

“I just don’t want to fuck things up,” Felix sighed nervously, “I don’t think I could live without you.”

“I don’t think I could live without you either, ‘Lix,” Chan started to tear up, knowing full well that he meant every word he said. “But I want this, you have no fucking idea how much I want this,” he finished almost desperately.

“You have no idea how much I want this too."

**Author's Note:**

> Keep up with my insane brain on Twitter @sunshinebside :) and comments/kudos are always appreciated. lmk what you think!


End file.
